I wanna passion pit in your ass
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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