All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
