I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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