i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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