i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
