Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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