I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
