i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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