Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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