if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
