Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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