his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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