she woke up with a sticky ear
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
