I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
