there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
