He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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