Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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