If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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