You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
