SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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