He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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