he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
