My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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