Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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