Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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