I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
