She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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