she woke up with a sticky ear
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
