wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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