Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
