ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
