her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
