we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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