You can't special order awesome
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize