absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize