my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
