You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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