sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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