I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
