He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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