morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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