Im at strip club and am horny
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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