I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
