i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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