Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize