I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
