If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
