apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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