I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
