i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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