i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
dude. I can hear the air.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
