No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
