I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize