if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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