I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize