I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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