Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My vagina just clenched in fear
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
