I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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