i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
