my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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