Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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