he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I had to cum in my sink.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
