I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
