Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The Olympian is in my bed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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