Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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