I wanna bring you to show and tell
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
